confuzzled

i like that word. ^


college seems like such a weird place don't you think? for some reason, everything ive ever done in my life seems so insignificant up until this past year. it feels like my life is JUST starting.

with that said, shouldn't college be one of the most determining factors in a person's life? for the past week or so, ive been camping/staying/hanging out at PUC up here on top of this beautiful mountain. ive seen so many of my friends, got to meet their friends and become friends with them, and see college life from their perspective. i was actually afraid of this, that is, becoming confused about my college.

i chose to go to andrews for a culmination of different reasons, but in the end i ended up staying because of its programs. if it were for a social life, i'd come to PUC. if it were for the convenience of location, i'd choose LSU. if it were to go somewhere i'd never thought i'd be, it'd be WWU.

but all of those deflect from the main reason why someone should pursue higher education, which is getting a good one. andrews is simply the best in the seventh-day adventist system for what i am attempting on getting degrees in.

the photography program is really nice, the science program isn't half bad if not pretty darn competitive, and the music program is the best in the system hands down.

i think i can live with the photo and science programs at PUC, but as far as music goes, its pretty pathetic. although i became assistant principal cellist at andrews and later became principal, i still feel a drive to work harder musically over there. if i came to PUC, i could almost assure myself 100% that i'd be principal cellist. the orchestra director came and spoke to me twice of her own free will, and the head of the strings or music department came and dropped in randomly while i was practicing in the room. to be honest, although its a compliment, it kind of bothers me that they thought so highly of me despite the fact i haven't been practicing recently. in other words, is my lower points considered their higher points? if that is the case, i dont know if i could stand being in a music program that didn't somewhat challenge me.


this constant nagging sensation is overwhelming me though, which is having to be with my friends. i missed them so much this year, and several times i almost got to the point of depression that i was stuck somewhere else while they were all mostly together. i know alot of my friends tell me they hardly see one another during the active school year, but i have to argue that my situation this past year is so much worse. true, u may not see them, but they are only minutes even seconds away if u ever need them or want to physically be with them. heck, even LSU students have the option of seeing PUCians within less than a 10 hour drive. i dont have that option or opportunity EVER. the feeling and emotional support you get from having your friends physically within the same campus is so powerful, and most people won't realize it until they go to a school far, far away from what they are used to.


several things stick out in my mind though: my friends also have other good friends that they've made here. although i think im pretty close to most of them, if i came here, theres always gonna be other friend factors and drama i would have to deal with. its not high school anymore. i think i have this subconscious notion that somehow if i come, everything will be the same like before. although im kinda sure my friends will always love and accept me, im almost selfish with sharing them. its a dumb and retarded idea, but thats sometimes how i feel.




one thing that is cool, since i have lots of friends here, i don't necessarily have to go to this school to stay friends with them, or even meet and become good friends with their friends, naw i mean? just this ONE week ive been here, i have re-met and became acquainted with some pretty cool people. i guess i won't name them for the sake of not playing favorites and ish, but really. maybe ill just plan to visit more throughout these next few years. maybe thats how ill cope better. also its not like i DONT have friends in andrews. to be honest, i have lots of friends, plus family. if theres any SDA school that i would have alot of friends and family naturally it would be AU (besides FLORIDA). i just need to embrace both sides of my world and perhaps combine them instead of trying to keep these two lives separate.

sidenote: im so sorry man. i really am. if these other people weren't here i'd talk to you one on one. you know im always here for you and you can count on me if u ever need help or venting. im so sorry about the news you received today, and in some ways thats one of the reasons we became such good friends. i dont even know what i'd do in your position, and to be honest, i have been avoiding since it happened to me. ill see you back home, where everything will be better hopefully. schools a drag isnt it?

sidenote #2: for some reason, i respected you. since i met you, which wasn't that long ago. you seemed different. but after certain events, i sorta lost respect for you.THEY WERE EVEN YOURS. what in the world? i can understand ______ because i sort of expect that from him and hes still fighting that battle, but YOU. really? you let me down alot man. like alot. if other people knew, like one of my best friends, i'd think they'd be even more disappointed in you that i ever was. i just can't believe it. don't ever offer me again. i view things like that as a weakness, a disease, festering amongst the desires of your heart. can such a tiny object control you to the point of letting down friendships? seriously, thats ridiculous