my world keeps on spinning

theres always constants in life right?

I mean come on

science has gravity, christians have Jesus, and even humanity has pain

so why aren't I entitled to a constant of my choice?

the ONE thing that I always thought would be there for me, died

I befriended it, cherished it, danced with it, fought with it, and even cried with it

I fucking thought that it would would never die, but I was wrong

music died for me today

heres a poem i wrote:

the day that music died
It used to be from day to day my head would sing a song
No matter what the circumstance, a tune would always come along
Rhapsodies and serenades, hymns and concertos, they all once called me friend
But the minute that he left my life, it all ceased for my mind to attend

It was the day that music died

What more can move the soul and what is sweeter than the gift of voice?
None can qualify or come to par, since that is nature's preferred choice
Technique and skill, expression and pitch, are nothing more than child's play
For it was he that taught me how to laugh, how to sing, and how for my heart to portray

It was the day that music died

Noise, Noise, Noise, Noise, all is simply NOISE
A virtuoso was lost some days ago by a city's symphony in Illinois
Two times six, and three times four, is the way that music's brought about
If only I told you what you meant, never again would I doubt

It was the day that music died

Tell me the story again, sit me on your lap, or hum the song again please?
I miss you grandpa so very much, if you were here the pain would ease
I never thought of music as a cost and certainly never a reward
For when you were here it seemed like oceans calmed, mountains moved, and even eagles soared

It was the day that music died

How can I hear or sing again, God's gift seems to be depart
Music has seemed to always be my guide from now and since the start
So far my world has been chaos, disrupted, and somewhat like Jekyll and Hyde

I cannot sing, I cannot play, because for me

music died

May 13, 2009


so yeah im kinda really depressed, I've done stuff to myself that I really shouldn't have but I can't really help it

my dearest, closest, most meaningful cello teacher died recently and I just found out today
He means a awful lot because he basically stuck me to music and gave me the skill, technique and passion that I have for music today......apparently my relatives and family planned to not tell me until after my graduation, but my cousin told me

I really don't know what to do, Im so angry with myself because I knew this would happen someday, but somehow I never summed up courage to write him or call him, and now its TOO LATE...

too late fucking steven, what the hell are you stupid?

is it really that hard to pick up the damn phone and give him a call? or even write a note, OR a email? SHIT steven, why the hell are you so hard-headed? were you scared? thats it isn't it steven, YOU WERE SCARED huh? aw poor baby's going to cry now huh?

well its your fault anyway wasn't it? he put so much time and money into you and you LEFT him? you LEFT him? really steven? just because you wanted a change of environment, wanted to be near your family, really? you're never going to find a fucking teacher like that again EVER mark my words stupid...

you know what, FUCK YOU STEVEN MICHAEL , EVERYTHING YOU ARE AND YOU DO IS SHIT